January 26, 2000

Alex and I were sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store waiting for Julie. Two minutes before that, Alex was crying a blue streak, so I had moved to the back seat to hold him. We were both covered with sour milk he had spit up just moments before the crying started. This was supposed to be a quick trip into the store, one that Alex would simply sleep through. Not my luck however, Alex was fussy and wet. The diaper bag, once again left at home. Dad was hoping Julie would hurry. The sour milk smell was everywhere, not that it bothered me too much because I’ve already gotten used to it. This could have been the start of one of Alex's crying streaks. I started to sing, making up my own words to Rock-a-Bye Baby. Some day, I’ll have to learn the real words, but tonight the words were all about Alex. In a few moments magic occurred. Alex fell asleep. Considering Julie and I have been struggling every night to get him to sleep, I was amazed. There I sat, holding Alex on my chest and the rhythmic breathing started. It was peaceful. I listened to his breathing and felt his warm body against my chest and I was very happy. I sat there, in the parking lot of Safeway and reflected on his two-week birthday. Julie and I both long for the patterns that we structure so much of our life around. Alex has come to us and broken all of our patterns. There are certainly times, when we get very tired and Alex wants to eat or needs changing. Julie and I, as tired as we are, get up and feed him and change him and hope he’ll fall back asleep. It seems like every meal, one of us misses because Alex is fussing. Sitting there, watching people going in and out of the store, holding peaceful little Alex, with his beautiful face, I realized that not having patterns yet, and missing some sleep is really all worth it. I listened to the rhythmic breathing and time simply slipped away. We were both happy and quiet. Alex’s rhythmic breathing was the only pattern we needed.

P.S. Happy Two-Week Birthday, Alex